One day it's here and then it's gone / how are you still holding on

Finally mustered the courage to talk to Mr Ngiam about scholarships and applications and stuff today. I don't know how I feel now. 

Part of me feels shrivelled up and exhausted thinking about it all, the temptation to give up and settle is so unbelievably large. But I cannot, I will never live down the not knowing what if I had tried. Been there, done that, hated it.

I realise that I know what I want but not why. Maybe it's the idea, rather than the reality I'm so enamoured by. I don't know what will make me special to them, when I can barely convince myself that I'm good enough. Fact is, I'm interested in everything, but not something in specific. I'm doing well, not great. In my head, I am eloquent and analytical, but on the outside, I become a stammering mess. I don't know, I. Dont. Know.

I hate how little faith I have. It's easy to say that I trust God wholeheartedly, that I believe He is above all of this, but translating that from my head to my ever-anxious, stressed up heart is a whole nother thing. This isn't my battle, it's God's, and He'll bring me where He wills. 

Words are easy.  Faith isn't.