I find myself becoming increasingly anxious these day, somewhere along the way, having my gut twisted up into knots over the most minuscule things became the norm. I've lost count of the number of times recently where I've wished I could just slink away to a quiet stairwell and cry until my eyes get dry, and maybe, my heart lighter. This is my concession for myself today - I left the classroom for the swing I'm sitting on now to work my emotions out. I'm a mess.

Take today for instance - my teacher sent me a message asking me about if/ why I indicated my interest in SUTD (since design/ tech really isn't my thing) and for the 6+ hours since then, I've been mulling over my response (saying huh really oh I'm not that interested -emoji-). "Maybe I shouldn't have sounded so flippant. "Gosh I bet he hates me." "Damn it why can't I be better at this." The more rational part of me realises that it's probably long forgotten, but nope, I can't turn the incessant worrying. Last week, when I asked said teacher about scholarships and stuff, I left feeling smaller than I had in a long time.Thing is, I know that (probably) wasn't his intention, he was being honest, which was what I needed, and I was being a nervous, fickle wreck. I t

I should stop overthinking how people view me.

Then I think about grades and this whole shitstorm dawns over me. Which is, I suppose, pretty uncalled for. I get on my friends' nerves with this, I'm pretty sure. Hell, I get pissed off with myself.

I should stop doubting.

Now, I'm dealing with writing my personal statement for applications and stuff. There are many things I'd like to be. More extroverted, more eloquent, put together, less whiny, less emotional, anxious. More aware of the world. I wish I had done more in the past to have a more decorated portfolio. And while I'm at it, shallow things like richer, prettier. I'm trying to reconcile the person I know I am, strengths and flaws, with the person I wish I was, and the person I'd imagine whoever's going to review my application would want to accept. And now all I have is snippets of what may/may not end up a personal statement.