Pissed my mum off by not wanting to go to for family dinner because, well, exhaustion, and what she said kind of really cut deep. It's not the first time she's implied it though.
She said all I care about is school.
That it's my fault for taking on so many commitments.
That God doesn't matter to me, neither does family.
That I'm self centred and basically useless to everyone but myself.
And that sucked, that made me almost cry at macs at T3.
Maybe it's true, I'm taking Y6 hella seriously, more so that I've ever viewed school in my life. I'm doing tutorials ahead of time, taking on CCA commitments, trying to follow lectures and plan my days. But it's really not your place to tell me where my priorities lie, much less how my relationship with God is going.
I guess you don't know how much stress I'm placing on myself to perform, to excel. And that's why I'm taking on so many commitments and pushing myself this hard. You don't know how badly I want to get a scholarship, because even if I don't get to go overseas, at least I can do something to relieve you of my uni fees. You don't know how hard I'm working for my future, also because I know it'll be up to me to support both parents. You. Don't. Know. It isn't all about me, not really. And I don't know how far off I am from my threshold, but I'm counting on God and praying that I don't fall flat on my face.
And it blows, knowing that I'm basically on my own because no one freaking understands, and having you kind of throw rocks at me while I struggle to find my balance.
So please don't tell me to "BEWARE THE PATH U R GOING" because I'm trying very bloody incredibly hard to not fall down already okay?
The real reason I didn't want to go for dinner today was because I weighed my options -- sleeping at home in preparation for another draining week vs sitting at dinner awkwardly with cousins I literally have no connection with other than the fact that we're blood related and aunts and uncles who will inevitably tell me how much weight I've put on. Tough choice, really. We did this GP thing the other day where we had to write down our priorities in order, and I wrote "My beliefs, family, friends, grades". Yeah, in that order, and I meant it. If it was a dinner with the sister and her, sure, but extended family, tragically enough, for a variety of reasons, can be found faaaarrr down that list, therefore.
But noooope I am a self centred brat of a daughter so okay sure whatever floats your boat.
This week's episode of Modern Family hit home haaaard. I can't find the clip on youtube, but Alex had a meltdown from pushing herself for her SATs. So she went to a therapist and it felt like I was the one being counselled, because I could relate to everything she said, other than that bit about people expecting things of her -- I honestly think I'm the only one with such high hopes for myself (Speaking of which, people need to stop giving me the shocked face when they find out I'm taking H3 math, it's getting kind of offensive. Just another source of stress -- proving dem bitches wrong). Who knew a sitcom could resonate so strongly huh.
Well, it ended with this --
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