It's been a strange kind of week, I've been feeling this emotional somersault kind of thing. I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere, but really, I don't know where I'm supposed to be. I keep thinking that maybe this is some test of faith, and that I'l just have to trust in God, but then it's bittersweet because really, do I have much of a choice? But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not in the right place, that I've made mistake and there isn't any turning back. I'm afraid that everything's on the line and I don't know what more I can do.
I do this thing when I get upset. Maybe it's the whole cycle of grief thing - I try to rationalise through whatever I'm going through, then I tell myself to trust God, and that it's going to be okay. I guess that's where I am now. But as I go over things in my head, I overthink, I start sinking into my pits of worry and insecurity. Growing up means I can spot my isms from a mile away, now I just have to learn how to go against them.
Maybe I need therapy, ha.
I prayed at the start of the year that my faith would stand through the storms I'd face. I just didn't expect my storm to come so late in the year.
(I'm sorry I sound so self-involved over here, I just needed to get this out of my system)
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