Aim high, don't miss.

Almost, almost done with prelims, just three papers to go -- 2 MCQs and a (much dreaded) H3 paper. This A Levels thing is exhausting, really.

I can't objectively comment on prelims without feeling like I'll jinx the result somehow, but let's just say that it's in God's hands, and I'll be okay, some way, somehow. It's terrifying how quickly time is passing, and how everything's just barreling towards me. (Have I typed that before? It sounds kind of familiar.)

Going overseas has been such a big dream of mine for the longest time, however distant, however seemingly unreachable. I think it began sometime towards the end of Year 2, when we visited my cousins in Melbourne and I got a glimpse of what studying abroad would be like. Then London in Year 4, where I remember looking at a University of London building and telling myself that somehow, I'd get there.

But there are still so many obstacles between where I am and that dream, admittedly I'm closer than I would ever have thought, but still. And I keep putting off looking at applications to colleges, for scholarships because I don't know how I'll deal with the knowledge that this dream that has so consumed me for all these years hinges on these things.

That being said, I'll be okay with studying locally, really, once I get over the crushing disappointment of dashed hopes (dramatic, I know) and stop tormenting myself with all the what if I had worked harder, had done better and questioning God's plan for my life. But I know I'm blessed, living in Singapore where there are great, world-class local universities, really.

Still, with every turn I keep seeing these reminders that God is with me, that God will fulfill His plans in my life, and it fills me with just enough hope to keep dreaming. Some speaker in church the other day said faith is having no plan B because God will bring plan A to pass. Maybe, instead of praying to do well for As, I should be praying for a new dose of faith and peace of mind.

Don't know where typing all that has gotten me, but it's 1 am and tomorrow brings another round of battling this giant, so well. Bye.


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(Oh hey found this in my drafts circa post JCTs)

The past few days have been so incredibly good, just getting the rest I didn't realise I needed so much.
 The thought of getting back to school and A levels and actual life is offputting on so, so many levels :(

I've been marathoning Teen Wolf, and it's been really long since I watched a show based in high school. Other than Glee, which is well, Glee, i.e exaggerated on manymany levels.

Growing up, my perspective of teenagehood was shaped almost entirely by all the American shows/ books/ music I watched/ read/ listened to. I was so sure that in secondary school, there'd be hallways with rows of lockers, that one perfect guy I'd have some meet-cute with and fall madly in love, that there'd be popular kids and geeks and other perfectly defined social circles, etcetc. It took me awhile to come to terms with the fact that 1) my life is not fiction 2) this is Singapore 3) there was a 99.9% chance I wouldn't be falling madly in love with anybody anytime soon (and I was right). I didn't even become the person I thought I would. Not that I'm not okay with the way things turned out.

It's funny looking back now, and looking at how different things have panned out from what I expected way back when.