Jaded.

I'm just so tired, so sick of this.
So sick of going through the motions, so sick of chasing a hypothetical future that I don't know for sure that I can reach, or whether that's even what I want to start with.

It feels like I'm just mindlessly moving through a tunnel, with this pretty picture of what I'll find at the end, but that's all it is -- a picture.

What if I don't get there, which, at this rate, is highly possible.
Then I'd have to live with all the what ifs tormenting me.
What if I had worked harder, done better, or just not set my hopes so high?
Or even worse -- why did I even bother trying.

Or what if I do get there, then find that everything I had hoped for was just me being idealistic, and that the world just isn't a wish granting factory.

I don't know what I'm striving for anymore.

Some nights I wish this all would end.

God, I need a miracle